The Path to Least Resistance Does Not Create Growth

Eighteen months ago, we buried my father. I continue to struggle. I wanted this year to feel more “normal” after my dad’s passing, but it is not. My body screams pain; my mind gives me tormenting thoughts. I am on high alert for anything that looks dangerous. How can I not want to do anything or go anywhere, yet I don’t want to be home either? And my passion for writing disappeared.

And the guilt I have is astronomical. Since I have not felt well in a long time, I constantly wish for better days. I “should be” all over myself. I should be a better mother. I should be a better wife. Shit, I should be a better person. I’m angry, depressed, and anxious. I see people who say and do horrible things and wonder, “Why are they allowed to live? I wish they were six feet underground instead of my dad.” Sometimes, I wish I was six feet underground. But I still want to be here, just not in pain. I told someone that I sometimes feel my daughter gets the short end of the stick. And she said, “No, she is alright, but you did.”

Despite the grief I have experienced in the last 18 months, I have managed some self-growth. I still play the dangerous comparison game of seeing other people’s accomplishments and wince at my current life stage. I am not where I should be. This belief is a lie. I may be struggling, but it won’t be this way forever.

Many years ago, I was at a church function. I shared how I felt stuck in all areas of my life. A man asked me, “Do you know what the slogan is for the shoe company Nike?” I replied, “Just Do It”. He said, “Yes, my dear, just do it. Nothing in the beginning is perfect. But you need to start and be consistent.” I think of that often. When I feel like giving up on writing, looking for a new job, or expressing gratitude, I hear, “Just do it!”

Time is precious. I do not want to waste time on things that take a long time to develop. But in that time of figuring out what to do instead and not finding something, I’m wasting time. The path to least resistance does not create growth. Like Aesop’s Fable, “The Tortoise and the Hare,” slow and steady wins the race. I worried about everyone else’s well-being growing up. I never felt like I truly lived. I figured I could only enjoy life if I had a significant income, or once my child was in college, I could start finding my purpose. These are all lies. The truth is that day will never come. That is perfect.

Whether you feel ready or not, this is your (and mine) sign to start. Do this for yourself. May the force be with you.