SOULUTION

My daughter and I went to Las Vegas for a club tournament.  She looks forward to this trip every year.  It feels like a vacation to her.  However, I am a complete mess from the planning and expense of it all.

We decided to fly instead of drive. I tend to get bad motion sickness, so I was concerned about flying.  I swallowed the motion sickness pill instead of chewing it as the directions indicated.  I messed up the ticket on our checked bags.  We got to the gate, and I began sweating from the stress.  But, despite the turbulence and taking the motion sickness pill incorrectly, the flight was super short and we got to Las Vegas safely.

We took a cab to the hotel.  The cab driver was super chatty; we were both from Southern California.  He talked about Super Bowl Weekend and how it was busy but great.  He mentioned that the new baseball stadium was planned to be built on the Tropicana Casino property.  I started asking questions.  I was asking many questions rapidly.  Honestly, I didn’t even notice myself doing that (thanks, ADHD).  The cab driver said, “CAN YOU CALM DOWN FOR A SECOND?! I will tell you if you let me talk.”  I was stunned, embarrassed, and mortified.  He proceeded to explain the plan.  I stayed quiet for the rest of the ride to the hotel.  He dropped us off and said, “Well, this was such a pleasant trip.  You two are very delightful, and it was a pleasure driving you.  Good luck at the tournament.”  I thanked him and got out of the cab.  I thought, what in the world was that? He yelled at me but then said I was pleasant.  

I did not know how to behave for the rest of the trip.  I would have conversations with the other parents but catch myself going off on a tangent or watching their faces seem uninterested in what I was saying.  I stayed in the room most of the trip, feeling ashamed and judged. I got through the rest of the trip and was thankful to go home.  

Unfortunately, I felt out of place or didn’t belong for most of my life.  People (who don’t care to understand) would tell me what they didn’t like about me because I wasn’t normal.  It was so hurtful.  All I wanted was to belong and feel loved.

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 45. This diagnosis was a massive relief for me. By the way, an ADHD diagnosis comes from taking a series of tests and analysis by a psychiatrist.  ADHD is not something a doctor can just pull out of the air.  I am so thankful there is more awareness about neurodivergent people. Someone once told me to have some grace for myself because I am wired that way.  I realized I can’t shame myself into being neurotypical.  I am built differently, and that is okay.  I don’t need to fit in; I need to be myself.  

If you fall into this category, you have a place in this world, especially if we want to make it a better one. You make the world more exciting!