This is my first Father’s Day without my dad here. It has been almost 5 months since his passing. There are days where the grief is unbearable. Today is one of them. I visited his grave today. As soon as I walked up to it I began to cry. I wanted to wail. But others were around me lamenting their loved ones. I save the rage for the car rides where I’m alone. Where I can let out guttural screams till my voice cracks.
My husband gets to celebrate today. I want to share in the love but I can barely stomach a second.
I want to shut my eyes to the world today. I get jealous of my dad sometimes. He doesn’t have to experience this hell hole of a world. There are many days where I wish I wasn’t here sometimes. But that is not a choice I want to make. I know I have to keep going.
To all of those missing their “dads”, I see you and hear you. May we find peace in some way.